I love my sister

Excerpt from an Instant Message conversation with my sister:

Corngirl521: as someone very wise once said, "i love you, but i'm not in love with you", ya know?
meredithlynnec: you ARE referring to that time Dylan said that to Brenda, right?
Corngirl521: oh yeah

If she would only come around and accept there is no intrinsic connection between the signifier and the signified, she'd be perfect.

Made for Breaking

Some rules should just not be followed. Some examples:
1. No drinking coffee on the subway. Do we need to cover why this is ridiculous? I think not.
2. You can only get Plan B with a prescription or through a doctor type. There are so many reasons this rule should be skirted I barely know where to start. I've seen teenage girls in tears because they have to choose between emergency contraception and their jobs thanks to Planned Parenthood's requirement that you make an appointment. Women get punished harshly in sacrifices of time and money for their lack of sense while their partners get away with being inconsiderate jackasses. Next time you're at the doctor, get a prescription and keep it just in case you or one of your friends need it. Turn your medicine cabinet into your own free clinic. It's the least to be done for the sisterhood(Liliana, are you ready to implement Plan A or do you still need the weapons training?).
3. Park and Cemetery hours. Seriously, what's the fun if you can't go at night? Besides, it's always fun to work on the fence jumping skills.
4. Any and all pictures and lists designed to ensure good behavior. Especially if there are stick figure drawings. Lists just make it easier to break rules systematically.

It's supposed to be nice this weekend. Do something you shouldn't.

Are you bored?

If you have ever felt like you have too much time on your hands, rest easy. This man cleary has more. Hilarious. Thank you Larcat.

Another ending draws near

Since it's actually not oppressive outside, I decided to put on some pants. Not just any pants, but my favorite pair of jeans. They're a little tight, okay, really tight, so they're not good for hot sticky weather. I realized as I pulled them on that the fabric is even more worn and faded than the other fabric, which means one thing-they'll fall apart soon. Knee holes? Fine. Even a few rips near the seat are okay. It's when you notice that the entire rear side of the pants looks and feels vaguely like a kleenex that you have to come to terms with losing such a close friend. I'll enjoy our remaining times together, Express Low Rise Boot Cut. I've got a lot of memories from the last 5 years. Thank you.

Yee haw

The New York Times Style section managed to display a positively Friedmanesque grasp of the cutting edge today when they deemed one of the next big things to be...Cowboy Boots. I think this quote epitomizes what makes the article so amazing:

Like Uggs, the fuzzy Australian footwear brand adopted as beachwear by California style setters, cowboy boots tend to be viewed as a moderately subversive statement, "a way of saying, 'I don't really care about the rules,' " suggested Sharon Haver, the founder of FocusonStyle, a fashion Web site. "Even your mother might cock an eyebrow."

Speaking of Friedman, I think he might finally have run out of terrible car-based metaphors and similes, because he went enviro-friendly-yesterday's column. Apparently we should all be biking, wait no, be more like China, wait, no, we should be more like Lance Armstrong! Clearly our economy would benefit from a second lease on life after the cancerous plague trade deficits and outsourcing, but why did our economy get testicular cancer, Tom? Could it have something to do with the chemical filled carcinogenic bicycle seat that is the US's love of disastrous trade agreements? There's no place to freeze our economic sperm to ensure future global virility. No, Friedman, what you prescribe will leave us less than half a man. Warren Buffett says we're heading towards a "sharecropper society," enslaved by our needs and by the countries that can meet them. Getting out of the mess we're in is going to be a lot harder than the Tour de France, I think.

Lance Armstrong is an amazing athlete, I can't deny that. Does that mean we have to find instruction in all great athletes? Where's the "make our military policy more like Tiger Woods' tee-off strategy" column? I'm waiting-that would be about as hip and with it as the cowboy boot article. Also, there is already a "Live Wrong" bracelet. It's black. The cynics beat you to it.

The classics

My subway reading of late has been Madame Bovary. Somehow I made it all the way through college without having Gustave over to play, and now our date will be over in about 20 pages. There's nothing like a book about adultery to get one thinking, especially one that reduces its heroine to an interesting act of self-destruction, one that doesn't let her off the hook by shifting to the narrative resolution of a character who learns the virtues that the author wants to point us towards(are you listening Leo? Why didn't you just call it Constantin Levin?). What I wonder is: other than the masterful prose, what is it that makes these completely predictable tales of women incapable of controlling their impulses so readable, so enduring? If we relate to the story, does that mean we in the modern world are nothing but a bunch of debauched gigolos and slatterns? Do all adulterers deserve to eat Arsenic or manually change the train signals? Or does this genre describe a framework that no longer functions, an outdated moralism that does more harm than good? Is it time to start fucking? Or is are we all bound for the confessional?

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

A little dandyish, but still pretty
Lauren beat me to it today, and it seems I can't rest until I keep the Robot's circuits from overloading, so guess there needs to be some more good looking guys. You don't get it that easy though-you never said anything about these guys being dressed like guys.

He hasn't been as hot since, and I honestly think it's the drag. He was the guy who wasn't Russell Crowe in L.A. Confidential, Guy Pearce. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert features a ton of (now) stars dressing up in amazing drag costumes and dancing to disco. It's the reason I own ABBA Gold, and the reason I first saw Shallow Grave(if you remember the pretty pictures that inspired). I love it, and I love him. Pretty Pretty. And apparently he's going to be Andy Warlhol in the upcoming movie about Edie Sedgwick(the one where KATIE HOLMES was going to play Edie-WTF!?!). And Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are involved somehow. I'm confused. But not about Guy Pearce's hotness.

Makeup can be a boy's friend too...

A placeholder

Apologies for the almost complete lack of substance of late. Even more apologies for all the time I spend treating this like a livejournal. I will have more time to write soon and I can get back to trying to be clever and everyone can get back to pretending that I'm not failing miserably. Now back to your regularly scheduled static while I return to sweating profusely in this monstrous heat.

Can robots cry?

Liliana, welcome back. Knowing you're back at the helm makes your absence just slightly more bearable. What I'm going to do with all these freeze-dried cat fetuses without you is still a mystery.

Freedom! Sweet Freedom!

The locksmith finally arrived, and like magic I was free. I was then chastised for not using the handle when closing the grate despite my protestations that I had never done that. I was the one who was stuck-why should I suffer abuse as well? Can someone explain how I was in the wrong? Thanks for the moral support guys. If only the celebration had led to a real celebration instead of to work...

Trapped

I'm locked inside my apartment right now. The lock is broken such that I cannot open my front gate from the inside. That is no fun at all. The worst part of this is that this is not the first time I've been locked inside my apartment. It happened a few times in Prague. Never install a lock on your door that serves the same function from the outside that a chain does from the inside. If you have a roommate it will lead to nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble. Also, never use All Security Locks. They are evil people that will force you to sleep in your apartment when it is grossly insecure and make you late to work with their complete lack of timeliness. What a way to start the week.

I thought this article was funny. People who are over 25 right now should not be allowed to use text messaging. It clearly only leads to trouble-and painful Modern Love ruminations.

Back to Nature

I'm off to Vermont for the weekend to commune with the woodland creatures, perhaps to run through the forest with Robin Hood and Little John, but I'm sure I'll come back to something that infuriates me. Take it easy kids.

Talking Points? I get a lump in my throat every time I write them...

It seems I've been mistaken for George Lakoff(come on guys, you know the sorts of things involving elephants that I advise against-thinking is the LEAST of them) and some basic facts on John Roberts have been requested. Here's my best shot:

First off, a better man and better journalist has some information on Roberts' ideas on Roe v. Wade. A good quote to memorize and repeat-

"Roe was wrongly decided and should be overruled. [T]he Court's conclusion in Roe that there is a fundamental right to an abortion," argued Roberts, "finds no support in the text, structure, or history of the Constitution."

Second, Roberts is enough of a mystery to everyone that conservative groups are worried that we could have another Souter on our hands. Another Souter would be a good thing, but it's not going to happen. I imagine that this is actually a plant story devised to make people like us feel better and not ask that many questions.

Third, it's less important that WE know all about Roberts now than it is that our Senators actually do their job and grill the hell out of him during his confirmation hearings. Groups exist with the intent of convincing the public and the Senate that the questioning should be limited in scope. This is simply unacceptable. It was a good thing that Ted Kennedy destroyed Robert Bork back in the 80s, and if Roberts has a record that deserves a repeat of that, it should happen. Call your Senators and remind them-now.

Third, here's his profile on Findlaw.com. It doesn't tell much, but at least it hasn't been spoon-fed to us. Better yet, here's the PFAW preliminary report on him. You should be able to make your own favorite bulle points with this.

Fourth, I don't have a clue, but read this article from Alternet because it's good and written by a much bigger insider than myself.

Hope this helps, and don't forget to call your Senators, even if they're not on the Judiciary Committee. You can find their phone numbers here. CALL THEM!

The suspense!

So Bush is announcing his SC nominee at 9 tonight. I can barely breathe for anticipation! Speculation points to a woman named Edith Brown Clement of New Orleans maritime law fame. I wouldn't be worried at all if she had been tough on pirate crime, but somehow I feel like she's just another in the Bush mold. More later.

Drama drama drama

If you've received any emails from me today, you might have sensed that I'm not in the greatest of moods. The other thing you probably noticed is that I'm writing a bit more, how shall we say, angstfully. To spare everyone from my overwrought prose, I'm going to retreat to the safety of my newly purchased light reading(wild guesses? I think you know...) and the bottle of wine I bought at Warehouse Wine and Spirits. I did have a lovely, but depressing, conversation with a woman on the subway about how much we hate Bush, Blair, Cheney, Halliburton, and the rest of the evil alphabet. It's nice to find a comrade in arms, especially on the subway when it's this hot. Maybe this isn't a heatwave after all-maybe we've already died in a Bush sanctioned nuclear holocause and are now languishing in some sort of collective Hell, a la Jacob's Ladder, or Soul Survivors. Wait, that's the sort of typing that's been getting me into trouble. No more!

Incidentally, Lewis Black has a small role in Jacob's Ladder. The kindly doctor? That's him. He's the nicest, sanest character in the movie...

The Freudian slips of the Ex-gays

The New York Times actually managed to write a decent story about this strange phenomenon called "blogging!" This miracle is in part, I think, due to the fact that the story isn't just about crazy online communities, wacky gossip, or political commentary, it's about scary "gayness" treatment centers. To summarize-gay teen reveals on his myspace blog that his parents are packing him off to Christian re-education camp, this entry spreads over the interweb, protests ensue, NYT takes another look at the fundies. My favorite bit of the article comes from the man who runs the camp, John Smid:

I think exploring sexuality can lay a teenager up for numerous lifelong issues.

In case any smidgen of doubt had crept into your mind that ultra-conservative Christians are all about keeping sex taboo, scary, and mired in guilt, that quote should pretty much put it to rest. I'm glad I spent my Sunday reading this article and not in church.

This is a great idea

Sure, prostitution isn't widely legal in the United States, but generally speaking, I think this sort of fine might be a nice deterrent to one of the most annoying things about way too many men. I'm a big fan of punishing bone-headed behavior with public humiliation, so this is just my kind of thing. It's like publishing mug shots on the Smoking Gun, but better.

Also, there are strange vines that seem to be setting up an invasion into my apartment. It's very Evil Dead, or maybe Twin Angels, except without all the tentacle sex.

A contest

A young fellow I know showed himself to be no friend of the workers yesterday when he mercilessly mocked my brilliant idea for a great Communist musical. "There will be NO solos," he jeered, "everyone's part WILL be the same size!" I feel he missed the point, especially since those are both great ideas that shouldn't be used in scorn. We could make the entire think like Greek theatre-all Chorus!

Please friends, prove me wrong-whoever gives me the best Lenin-the musical related lyric, or if you must, title with some sort or production note, wins a drink on me, maybe even two! Don't forget, we're all about solidarity and such, so I just might have to owe one to anyone who participates!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince makes the blood hot

Come on Harry, loosen that tie just a little bit...

I'm excited about the Harry Potter book. I haven't pre-ordered or anything, andI've never played the card game, but I do love little Harry(and his not-so-little-anymore cinematic portrayer Daniel Radcliffe-yes, yes I am that dirty). This is why I might have to drop everything and go to SoHo tomorrow night for the launch party.

As part of its mega-marketing campaign, Scholastic has shipped 5.5 million temporary lightning-bolt tattoos to stores and will host a street party in New York's SoHo district Friday night. An autographed copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince will be on display.

I can think of a few places to put those temporary tatoos that might make this party adults-only.

In other news...

It's time to start drinking cough syrup! I mean, if you want a cut of the fun...

I may be embalmed using secret Soviet methods, but my musical legacy lives on!

I heard a commercial on the radio the other day for Lennon The Musical. I'm a huge Beatles fan; I know all the words to all their songs, I can quote whole sections of A Hard Day's Night, and I had an extensive collection of Beatles posters on my walls through high school. All these things said, I don't think we need a musical biography of John Lennon. I do think we need a musical biography of Vladimir I. Lenin. As Lauren suggested, one song would have to feature spelling out a word, perhaps "Kapital?" The Trotsky death scene will be as dramatic as the chandelier crashing down in Phantom, and I envision a Don Giovanni style haunting of Stalin carried out by our protagonist subject himself. I see it as a smash hit.

Because drinking requires more talking...

Fancy Robot, I know that we might enjoy a third voice for our evenings on the balcony, but I have to say I feel for Rebecca on this one too. She hates inanimate objects that talk more than you love them, and I do know how serious that is. Imagine what would happen if the wine bottles became intelligent, like in the Terminator movies, if they gained intelligence from watching us while we drank. They would learn of our vulnerabilities, learn that they should encourage us to consume their contents, leaving us drunk and complacent and them light and ready to execute their plan for world domination. They would be in league with the microchip credit/ID cards currently being implanted in Italian clubgoers to rule the world of high class nightclubs and dive bars alike for years to come. What would their bouncers be-newly sentient wax casings from expensive gouda? The mind boggles...

Critters

No, not the killer-fuzzbalss from the movies (whose third installment featured a post-Growing Pains, pre-Gilbert Grape Leonardo DiCaprio). I'm talking about bugs. Creepy, crawly, invisible bugs that leave no trace except for itchiness and increasing paranoia. Those are the kind I'm talking about, and those critters are currently tormenting me. Some of you might say, "She's gone mad! MAD, I tell you!" but I beg to differ. I recognize that I am probably not the victim of an invisible infestation(although I did see a play about that, titled, appropriately enough, BUG), but if you are one of the people who ends up in my company in the near future, I would like to offer a preemptive apology for all the time I will spend scratching and mumbling, "I know they're here, I can feel them, they're crawling everywhere, can't you SEE the bugs?!?" I can understand that might be a bit weird for you.

This isn't good

I was going to post something terribly clever about Law and Order DA Fred Thompson advising Bush on matters of Supreme Court selection, but now that seems a little silly. That is most definitely NOT to say that the Supreme Court is not important in light of the GIANT FUCKING EXPLOSIONS that just went off in London, just that maybe it's more important for us to stop for a moment and think about how badly George Bush and Tony Blair are going to mess up the response to this.

It's a lot harder to convey horrified sarcasm on the internet, but I'll give it a try anyway. This War on Terror is going fucking gangbusters! We've got them on the run! Afghanistan and Iraq have been such huge successes-let's invade more countries!

I don't want to be vulgar, but Western nations would probably get bombed by "freedom hating" terrorists if we stopped sodomizing sovereign countries with our "freedom."

Speaking of freedom, read Christian Parenti's book "The Freedom," and Asne Seierstad's "101 Days" and "The Bookseller of Kabul." It's as good a time as any to read the work of more war correspondents.

Fuck.

So long, Sandra Day O'Connor. You couldn't have waited just a little bit longer? Fuck, fuck and FUCK.