WWJRD?

I was delighted to find the other day that I am not alone in my obsessive love for Dallas. SoapNet has been showing Dallas for a little under two years now, and after extensive viewing, I state that the original primetime soap opera is the BEST TV SHOW EVER. It had more intrigue than The OC, Beverly Hills 90210, and Melrose Place put together! This is a show that successfully RAISED THE DEAD-saving us from the nightmare that was netowrk television without dreamy Buddhist pinup Patrick Duffy. It also proved to the world that Marc "The Beastmaster" Singer is more than just a loincloth-clad, jungle-dwelling Conan clone-by casting him as an oft-shirtless, jungle-dwelling diamond miner!

Do you know what else Dallas did? It protected Americans and defeated Communism. That's right-just look at the timeline. Dallas premieres in 1978 as a miniseries, then goes off the air. The Iran hostage crisis ensues. Dallas begins again. Crisis ends. As the Cold War continued through the 80s, JR, Sue Ellen, and the rest of the Ewings represented everything that was GOOD in America-all the freedom you could have in a capitalist society. The Russians longed for our shoulder pads, sequins, and for a chance to touch Victoria Principal's shiny shiny hair. When did the USSR finally collapse? 1991, the same year JR finally left us. Our friends at South Fork finally rode into the sunset after SAVING THE WORLD FROM THE RED MENACE.

Our world is once again in chaos. Where have you gone, John Ross Ewing? Why have you forsaken us in our time of need? The nation turns its lonely eyes to you...