Word of the Day

Nympholepsy: Epilepsy which is brought on by nymphs.

Thanks, sis, for the heads up on that.

I dreamt last night that Al Franken kicked me out of a meeting with all of my friends and told me to be a "Marshall Field's brand cheerleader." I don't know if I'm going to work today. Or leaving the house in the forseeable future.

Hmmm

I found this earlier, and I anxiously await more responses. Harrassing right-wing nutjobs is always a good thing, and the 7 stipulations about the specific killing of the kitten are brilliant.

Also, some actors from California have responded to the fairly funny SNL Narnia rap video. Those Magnolia cupcakes are good, but the boys from L.A. painted their own pottery, and one of them was the hottest Republican ever to be on the West Wing(sorry Ainsley), so my vote goes to "Color Me Mine."

Pervy 90s Flashback

There must be something in the air lately, because I was just thinking the other day about the television show Parker Lewis Can't Lose. I thought, "what ever happened to those guys?" Funny that I should find out about Parker Lewis himself, Corin Nemec, on the Celebrity Bulge Blog. Suddenly my innocuous memories of Parker's color block shirts, Ferris Bueller rip-off plots and his Zack Morris for single camera schtick gets a whole lot innocent.

I actually won tickets to see MC Hammer's 2 Legit 2 Quit tour from my local Fox affiliate thanks to Parker Lewis Can't Lose. I mailed in the correct answer to a show related question, and they drew my name. Let me tell you, winning tickets to MC Hammer was about the greatest thing my 10 year old brain could imagine. The thing I remember most about the show(besides the terrible acoustics), was that Jodeci was awfully sexually explicit, and that I was sad that Boys II Men had to cancel their opening slot.

My mom went with me(naturally), and we caravanned from McFarland to the Dane County Colleseum(site of the Midwest Dairy Expo and the Dane County Fair) with some kids I was in school with, including the boy I had a HUGE crush on at the time. Joey was a total delinquent, a boy who always wore his baseball cap slightly askew, and who always had the coolest Starter gear(leave me alone, it was 1992). However, my social awkwardness, coupled with my inability to dress myself, led to Joey and his friends basically ignoring me for the whole night while I tried to delude myself into thinking I was the kind of cool kid who "goes to shows and stuff," and also the kind of cool kid who "has friends who talk to her in public."

I think Joey is in prison now. Either that or he knocked up an 18 year old. It's one or the other with most of the "I was a badass at 10" crowd.

CORRECTION: Moje sestra would like me to adjust the record to show that the TWO of us answered the question together, but because I was older and more mature, I was chosen to go. Also, the question we answered was, "Who does the billboard send a message to?" and the answer was, "Mikey."

Some Advice

A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

I think it really speaks for itself.

1-800-Dildo

In the absence of my boyfriend, I've been buying a lot of "women's" magazines. Glamour, Marie Claire, US Weekly and the like(not so much on the Cosmo-with all apologies to Ethan's ex, and awesome writer, Jess-the fashion is too obvious, the lit-porn a pale competitor with BUST's one-handed read, and the sex tips are totally useless), and tonight I finally found the Holy Grail of women's magazine tidbits: Teledildonics. The website that comes up first is clearly just for men, but imagine it-long distance remote control vibrators. I knew there was a reason webcams and the like seemed so lame-they are! We must make this interactive internet sex technology a hit. You'll never have to worry about another weird charge on the credit card from the man's hotel bill from that business trip-you can just use the free wireless connection!

Porn

Before I get to the XXX, I just want to say Happy Anniversary to Liliana, Lauren, Christine, Eric, Fatin, Mark, and Amanda. January 11, 2005 was our first time in theNation conference room, and it seems like much longer than a year ago. You're all doing far cooler things than I am at the moment.

Also, the real work is back on, but freelance, so now I officially join the ranks of people who can say, "I'm a salesgirl/waitress/stripper at the moment, but I'm really a writer/actress/dancer." At least I have something lined up that will pay a decent wage.

And now, the pornography.

Thank you, New York Times, for leaving out all the wacky hijinks from the AVN Awards. If nothing else, this article should win an award for stating the obvious: Porn stars seem weird when they're not fucking onscreen. Also, porn awards have different criteria than the Academy. As a side note, Jenna Jameson has had work done recently that does not make her look hotter. I would have thought that someone who no longer makes new movies could stop with the collagen, but I guess I really don't understand that aspect of the adult film industry.

In celebrity sex-tape news, Colin Farrell's sex video is finally available online. No, I haven't downloaded it(like I'm going to wait 8 hours to get it-ha!), but I'm curious. It appears to have been made pre-Miami Vice bloat, so it appears to be the rare porn experience featuring a hot girl AND a hot guy. Also, it gives normal girls like me the chance to experience sex with an incredibly sexy, SUBERBLY sleazy guy without all that "which antibiotics do I need now" anxiety he would inspire in real life.

Yes, I love porn. Sometimes I ask myself, "What Would Nina Hartley Do?"(Incidentally, she's one of the most inspiring pro-sex feminists I've encountered. She has an interview in Bust's Guide to the New Girl Order that is priceless.) You have a problem with that?

Sister speak

Some new gems:

On the recent wedding of a high school friend(Class of 2002): There were more newborns at the reception than singles.

On learning Brandon Flowers' marital status and religious affiliation through Wikipedia: "Wiki" is the new "Google," bitch. Now tell me about the Hansons!

Bad Suspense Movies

I'm less excited about going to work today than usual because of a recent development at the store: I have a stalker. He's not a "leave dead flowers and menacing notes" stalker(at least not yet), but he is a "appears from out of nowhere at the exact moment my coworkers are unable to rescue me" kind of character. There should be a soundtrack that includes a burst of strings, like in horror movies. It is partly my fault too; I thought he was gay the first time I spoke to him. He just keeps showing up, his big eyes trained on me in a "what kind of lampshade would you make" stare, and tries to get me to go out with him. I'd hoped he was gone for good after a laughfest at his expense(pre-New York visit) was interrupted by his sudden reappearance-directly behind me. Offense and embarrassment weren't enough to keep him away, so I finally asked my manager for help on Friday night.

I'll probably never get to see the most cinematic moment in this entire saga: he's been "trespassed" from the store, so the next time he comes in, whether it's to buy some socks or freak me out, he'll be arrested by security. There's a part of me(a big part) that wants to see him one more time so I can watch him get hauled away against his will, maybe shouting a little bit. A few cab rides home make for a lousy denouement.

It also figures that this would all happen while Ethan is off on his interminable East Coast visit. I get to be freaked out and ALONE on top of it. Thanks a lot...

News with an entourage

I saw the news that Ted Koppel was moving to the Discovery Channel yesterday, but I smiled when I read in the Times that he's bringing NINE of his former Nightline staffers with him. As if Koppel's dedication to in depth reporting weren't clear from his planned three hour specials, this did it for me:

He said he had not even talked with any of the cable news networks about his plans after ABC. Repeating his previous description of those channels as being "in a desperate race to be first with the obvious" and tending to pay greater attention to "what is recent" rather than "what is important," Mr. Koppel said his kind of news programming would be out of place there.

Even Jon Stewart doesn't sound that biting anymore.

Ted Koppel, you're my new favorite cable news man.