I woke up this morning to Brian Lehrer telling me that the chief executive of Bear Stearns had assets that went from $1 billion to $13 million overnight. I know it's the stock market isn't *real* money, but I spent all day wondering exactly what I could buy with the $987 million that disappeared in the blink of a buyout eye. I discovered, after busting out my trusty EMILY's List logo calculator, that $987 million will buy:
24,675 24-hour "dates" with a seven-diamond Emperor's Club V.I.P. prostitute, including tips
129,019,607 packs of Camel Lights from the bodega at 19th Street and 5th Avenue in Brooklyn, New York.
123,375,000 vodka tonics at any non-Meatpacking District bar(again, including tip)
290,294,117 Grande Americanos from Starbucks
21,933,333 trips to the Union Square Virgin Megastore(if you buy compulsively from the $10 bins like I do)
49,473,684 months of subscription service to some random porn site I found on Google
7,050 full 4-year tuition scholarships to an Ivy League university
21,933 full 4-year tuition scholarships to a top-tier state school
1,000,000 coach round trip tickets to Warsaw, Poland(with plenty left over to travel for at least two years in Eastern Europe, the Balkans, and the -Stans)
1,410,000 trips to Chicago for the Pitchfork Music Festival, including travel, food, and accommodation
Medical care for assorted orphans and poor kids(costs vary, but I'm sure that kind of scratch would cover a couple of rounds of chemo and some lollipops)
What did I miss?