Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Making Connections

I have a friend, we'll call him Nintendo, and he remembers his childhood days playing in the old neighborhood with his best friend the Paperboy. They lost track of each other as they grew up and Nintendo drifted into idleness and Paperboy kept working, determined to create a better future than the one that awaited him in the 'hood. He doesn't know what to do to locate him; last we heard, Paperboy was selling himself for a fraction of what he's worth at a store in the Minneapolis area, but we don't know which one. Does anyone know how I can help these two lost souls once again?

If you know where a used NES game might be prostituting itself, please let me know. Nintendo's happiness, and my own, are riding on it.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Damn the perserverance!

I didn't drop it, and I'll probably stay in it till the bitter end. I can't let those entitled acting stoned twits beat me. Sure, I'll never have someone set aside a spot for me at a top school, but I can at least give it a shot. And rejection will give me an excuse for some kick ass partying.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I + Econ = Dumb

I'm dropping the course I registered for. I still have to pay for some of it, because I didn't realize my total and complete lack of understanding of the subject was probably a sign I would fare poorly, but I just can't do it. Grad school was a good idea while it seemed possible.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Identity Theft, etc.

A Message to the woman who stole my kid sister's identity:

Fuck you. I'm going to find you and beat you to the point of death and then leave you at an ER after supergluing your driver's license to your forehead. $40? You screwed her credit over $40? I'm going to find you, and you WILL PAY. We're talking a pound of flesh, bitch.

In other news, I just heard a Beth Gibbons song covered by Jane Birkin that rocked my world. I want to be as cool as Jane Birkin when I'm 60, and I want to create something as awesome as her work with Serge Gainesbourg. Ethan would be a great Serge.

Finally, someone, please watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip for me and tell me which of Sorkin's old programs he rips off in the first episode. I'm hoping for a shout out to N'tanake Nelson, personally...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Milk Carton

Have you seen this woman? We have experienced a total loss of technological signal, with search technology ranging over email, internet, and satellite voice identification tracking turning up nothing. I suspect a pack of super-intelligent trolls has come out of hiding in Prospect Park and kidnapped her during a routine stroll, but others (ahem) have suggested political reasons. The cause is immaterial, what is important is that we find her before the time-traveling Apaches mistake her for Jesse James. If a trap must be laid, try smoked salmon and fresh tomato. And brie. Works every time.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Dreading the history

I realize now that I should have taken all these painkillers and sat in my pjs tomorrow while everyone does 9/11 stuff. I'm too loopy to comment on it. Just, uck.

Saturday, September 09, 2006


Today was the first 100% cloudy, cold day. The wind has been whistling outside, the air is sharp, and it's finally pitch black outside after making it all the way to pewter this afternoon. Autumn is my favorite season, but it frightens me this year. Last winter even the most basic rhythms of life became close to unbearable, and it took half of this year and all of the spring and summer to feel normal again, and even that is fragile. I'm not exactly sure what happened last year, why I made the decisions I did, or why everything went so terribly wrong. This fall there aren't any big decisions to make, nothing to run to or from, no urges that feel uncontrollable. But I worry. Maybe the 9 to 5 and my new exercise habit and my cooking and my class and my knitting projects and my grad school applications and my slowly returning desire to write won't be enough, maybe they'll be too much.

UPDATE: I've managed to go to two parties since I wrote the above, and I'm feeling a bit better, but I know that is just the alcohol talking and not my confidence. I'm in the midst of playing nurse to Ethan, still, after he broke his wrist trying to protect us from loud music last night(the paramedics came to our house and he made a death rattle/snoring sound. It was AMAZING, and a little hilarious, although only after the fact). I have to make him some tea, and then we are going to bed. More later, my lovelies.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

In A Nutshell

Katie Couric's prime time, history-making evening news debut featured the unveiling of SURI CRUISE photos. Yes, she's real, and we managed to get demonstrative proof of that and of the necrophiliac rape of television news all at the same time.

SURI CRUISE PHOTOS!!!!!!! Where I come from, Entertainment Tonight comes on an hour AFTER the national news. How did they mess that address up?

I hate the world and hope that someone blows it up, and soon. I would also accept it if Edward R. Murrow's zombified corpse ate Katie Couric's brains on air before rampaging through the rest of the CBS building, singlehandedly avenging decades of sensationalism, pandering, and the most blatant act of bottom line over quality ever. There are others that I would like to see him eat, although I will leave that list for later. Maybe just the top 5:

1. John Stossel of ABC. If you've ever seen 20/20, you know why. If not, just trust me.
2. Wolf Blitzer of CNN, and I want him alive and on air for the whole thing. If I don't see his spirit leave his body I'm not satisfied.
3. Miles O'Brien of CNN, but just because he's a douchebag.
4. That guy who hosts NBC News on the weekends. I just don't like the look of him.
5. Sway of MTV News. The Hair. Just for the hair. And his delivery. And his stupid Rasta hat. And his stupid questions for the 2004 Presidential candidates. And his name is Sway. You sir, are no Tabitha Soren. You are not even Serena Altschul. I hope Gideon Yago skullfucks you after Ed has sucked out your eyeballs.

Steve Irwin, epic hero

My sister sent me a text message this afternoon that said simply, "Odysseus died of a stringray barb to the heart too!"

In addition to this Wikipedia sanctioned story, Odysseus also died a "gentle death by sea," which in less poetic parts is explained to be the cruel serrated point of a stingray's tail.

My sister is even now explaining to me the difference in the two different myths and why they both exist, but I will leave you with this-the State Funeral that the Premier offered poor Terry is far more apropos than I ever thought.

Rest in Peace Steve, and enjoy your wild animal baiting with Heracles and your death-sake O-dog.

Monday, September 04, 2006


A Labor Day White Trash Potluck has led to some serious hangover stupids(Damn you Cabana Boy Jello Shots! Damn you to hell!). I'm making pickles, and I think I've managed to screw them up, which makes me want to cry because this recipe makes the greatest pickles known to Man. Also, we've been suckered into hosting Ethan's fantasy football draft, so the house smells a bit like vinegar and there are going to be a dozen people expecting food and drink and I am not going to provide it.

I have found the Holy Grail of hangover food, right here in Minneapolis, and it is not deep fried and on a stick. It is the Stuffed Omelette Antoine's Creole Restaurant in Uptown. An omelette with anduille sausage, peppers, tomato, onion, and jalapeno hash browns INSIDE THE OMELETTE. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have ever eaten in my entire life. I can't wait to go back and eat it again.

I don't know what kind of magic the proprietress of this restaurant works on her food, but it is uniformly delicious. The pancakes are magically fluffy, nothing is too greasy, their catfish is amazing, there is spice but not too much spice, and the selection is huge. I wanted to try everything on the menu, from the crawfish omelette to the po-boy. If it has the sausage, though, it is not to be missed. Better than Bratwurst.

And it was cheap. The total was 20 dollars. I have a new favorite restaurant.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Promises, promises

I never did come through with that Simon Reeve interview, did I? I suppose the least I can do is put a link to his Guardian article.

Welcome, sir

Jake is a cool guy. He let me shoot warm lime-flavored vodka into his mouth at his birthday party(using a squirt gun). He is not a hipster. He has a blog. Check it out.

Lazy Saturday

The rage has subsided and I no longer want to go on an angst-filled rampage through the Sam Goodys of the world. I am tired, though, which I blame partly on all the delicious beer I drank while out with some of my favorite U of M MFA hotties and partly on Ethan's decision to get up at 4 am and be neurotic. "We can't eat popcorn for dinner anymore, sweetie," he said, his voice filled with the kind of conviction one only hears in those old Mickey Rooney/Judy Garland "We'll save the orphanage! We'll put on a show, by golly!" movies. "We can't do that, we have to have more vegetables, we have to be healthy, and I have to do my research for the draft!" In the middle of the night while I'm trying to see how my nightmare about killing someone and escaping to the Andes turns out. I still don't know.

Also, my gang name is Snowflake. Ethan's is First Person Shooter.