Hell on Film

She may be black and white, but she'll still chew your arm off.

It should come as no surprise to those near and dear that I hate zombies. I have even posted about this hatred before, I believe under the title "I fucking hate zombies." They're just so undead, vile, and prone to gnashing their teeth in the vicinity of one's brains. It was disturbing enough to learn that some sick people have zombie sex fetishes, and the recurring zombie nightmares have never been a treat, so I was a bit...perturbed to see that George Romero has a new zombie movie coming out this summer.

There I was, sitting quietly in the movie theater, waiting for Lords of Dogtown to start so I could leer at the hot-yet-distressingly-young Emile Hirsch and Victor Rasuk for 100 minutes, and what should break my pre-film reveries but a preview for Land of the Dead! Stuffed from beginning to end with the walking dead(and Dennis Hopper), this latest installment in the "Dead" series features my WORST nightmare-AN ENTIRE PLANET OF ZOMBIES, and intelligent ones at that.

Seeing this preview once was enough for me. I must give George Romero respect for creating the single most repulsive monster ever, but it's safe to say I won't be slapping $10.75 down at the multiplex for this one. I'm a consumer, I have the ability to choose, I've chosen, so that should be it, right? WRONG. It seems that Yahoo has some sort of advertising deal with Land of the Dead's distributor, because EVERY TIME I GO TO YAHOO MAIL THE PREVIEW IS PLAYING. Over and over and over again, I try to hit "Check Mail" and instead my eyes are pulled to the top of the screen where teeming masses of the undead lumber and maim. Why me? Why now? Why, George Romero, why do your creations stalk me so?

The worst part of this all is that the movie doesn't seem like it will be that good-pretty standard Aliens type plot. Actually, the plot synopsis reads almost exactly like a zombie Aliens. And another thing-why do these newfangled, intelligent zombies look like they just got out of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer makeup trailer? I suppose once zombies develop agency and the ability to reason, etc., they are just vampires of a different type. What's that evolutionary term that describes two different species developing the same traits completely independent of each other?

The Fear

As of next Wednesday, I'm no longer Nation affiliated! This is sad enough, but to add insult to injury, I can't find myself a job. What is the cause of my utter incompetence in this arena? I wish I knew. I do know one thing-I'm so desperate for work I applied for something that pays $10 an hour. $10! And it's not in menial labor. I know this takes the normally stoic Thighs of Darkness to the emo place, but I want my mommy. And a good cry.

What to do?

"Beating a political stake in your black heart will be the fulfillment of my life ... "

Who, oh who could this statement be directed to? Not our fearless leader President George W. Bush? What? She is talking to him? Oh my, that sounds threatening; there's no excuse for talking to Il Duce that way, is there?

Oh-I guess there is. A pretty good one too. Lots of things seem to be hard work for President Bush. Being President, for example. After reading a lot of Thomas Friedman, I think there might be some eager young Indians or Chinese willing to take over the job for him...

California Judicial System Sucks Again

Michael Jackson is innocent? Could've fooled me. We can convict Martha Stewart of financial crimes but we can't find a way to stop a CHILD MOLESTER?!? This isn't a big surprise, but it's still disappointing. One of my coworkers said that within the context of the prosecution's case, justice has been served, but let's see if he still feels that way when this happens all over again ten years from now.

Every time I think it's safe to have faith in humanity...

The G8 Summit as Imperialist Smackdown

While the US is bogged down in the failed empire-building quagmire that is Iraq, Britain is bitch-slapping the few countries it still has some control over in a much subtler, simpler style. The Group of Eight member nations take turns hosting these summits, which is why this bit of a New York Times article caught my eye:

The agreement on debt cancellation is likely to be the only big issue at the coming Group of 8 summit meeting in Scotland on which the United States is in full accord with the other major industrial nations. The Group of 8 includes, in addition to the United States and Britain, France, Germany, Italy, Canada, Japan and Russia.(emphasis mine)

How sneaky! Give them their own parliament, let Sean Connery leave messages for people on behalf of the Scottish National Party, export Billy Boyd's adorableness to us, but don't think for one second the English will let them forget that Scotland is the LA Staples Center.

No point really, I just found it funny.

Sex and science, again

When John Tierney said that men were naturally far more competetive than women, I was incensed, but the drive for victory described by New Scientist makes a lot more sense. Business success? Who needs it? Porn, on the other hand...

The best part about this article is penultimate paragraph-I guess all those men are scared of seeming "gay" for a reason.

By popular demand

Sometimes I post on issues of substance. The heat wave surges on, however, so today will not be one of those days. Someone asked me where my Simon Reeve post disappeared to. To answer your question, Carol, check the May Archives. Whilst searching for it, I remembered something-Simon Reeve is GORGEOUS! I've also discovered that he left his job as a reporter to write books at 23. 23. Simon has laid the gauntlet, and I am doomed to failure by his standards. I have 13 months before I've officially failed-he just won't love me if I have to start writing books when I'm 24.

Speaking of books, I read The New Jackals, his book about the first World Trade Center bombing and Osama bin Laden, and I was impressed. Neocon bookjacket blurbs aside, it predicted, pretty much exactly, what was to happen in 2001. This guy knows his terrorism.

Anyway, to the matter at hand-more pictures of Simon!



I've also been informed that he's married, which breaks my journalism-groupie heart. Clearly I am not alone in my love for Mr. Reeve(and his brother James), so keep sending me info and I'll keep talking about him!

Learn from the Mistress, girls

It's hot in New York-very, very hot. Nelly song hot, but out there as well as in here. Hot in that "exposed and glistening tan abs everywhere" way. The rising mercury has clearly melted the brains of Liliana and Lauren and has thrown them into the sort of man-frenzy I live in every day. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I think that this is a clear sign that I have to get back to the kind of blogging I do best-fawning and slobbering over attractive men. To that end, I present to you Mr. Takeshi Kaneshiro. Who, you ask? Look at the pretty pictures for a minute and I'll tell you...



If you saw House of Flying Daggers, you've already spent a solid two hours waiting for him to take off his shirt and then had to endure the absurd, and fully clothed, denouement, but he's been gorgeous, tan, and sweaty looking in that "Hong Kong gets really sticky" sort of way in two Wong Kar Wai films, making references to pineapple and pining beautifully in both. Personally, he's a complete enigma, but we do know that he speaks five languages, has appeared in movies produced in several different countries, and, like a true Asian film star, also has a successful singing career. Time Asia even calls him "the Asian film industry's Johnny Depp." Maybe they should do a movie together...

Quadruple your fun-twice

26-year-old Aussie lass Darren Chalk has provided another link in the chain of human devolution(sadly, not DEVO-lution, because I'm still waiting for the day I call Mark Mothersbaugh overlord). With the help of IVF(one of the fertility treatments that leads to the scores of abandoned frozen embryos so endangered by stem cell research), Chalk is pregnant with her second litter! Apparently the fun of having four ten-month babies just wasn't enough. Why not add to the brood another four mewling whelps just as the first set reach 18 months? Someone forgot to tell her, and apparently, her doctor, that human litters don't mature at quite the same speed as dogs, cats, and sea turtles.

There is some nice symmetry to this pregnancy-if Darren and her husband divorce, they can each take a set of quadruplets instead of dealing with joint custody.

The article says that it took 18 rounds for this woman to "fall pregnant" the first time-think of all the wasted embryos!

It was a Tuesday...

The vagina: receptive, but...middling...

These are my friends. Brilliant...

Best. Blog Entry. Ever.

It speaks for itself. Eric, you rule.

Happy Birthday Christopher Lee!

Happy Birthday Count Dracula/Lord Summerisle/Fu Manchu/Dr. Victor Gannon/King Haggard/Saruman/Count Dooku!

Some things that prove that in addition to his film career, Christopher Lee is the COOLEST MAN EVER TO WALK THE EARTH:
1. He actually met JRR Tolkein
2. He's Italian Royalty
3. He was the original Grand Moff Tarkin (Van Helsing may have won that round, but your death scene is way better!)
4. He has his own website
5. He speaks 8 languages(!)
6. He fought in THE GREATEST WAR IN in the British SPECIAL FORCES
7. He rocked Fairy Tale Theatre's world
8. He's in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most screen credits
9. He looks great in a kilt
10. Mid-90's Nickelodeon!
11. He's killed a man(watch the Return of the King Extended Edition special features for details...)

I could go on and on about the number of movies from my childhood where he was the (always creepy, but soothing sounding) villain, but thank you, Christopher Lee, for being so awesome.

Um, sure.

"Women smell good. They look pretty. I love
women. I do." - Tom Cruise.

Just a girl?

I woke up this morning feeling a bit nauseous and couldn't figure out why. Lucky for me John Tierney was able to pinpoint it-I'm just not cut out for all the striving I've been doing. I'm glad that Tierney let me know that socialization doesn't have anything to do with inequalities between men and women in the workplace; I've been laboring under the mistaken assumption that there was a link between entrenched social norms and adult performance.

Still, for all the executive talents that women have, for all the changes that are happening in the corporate world, there will always be some jobs that women, on average, will not want as badly as men do. Some of the best-paying jobs require crazed competition and the willingness to risk big losses - going broke, never seeing your family and friends, dying young.

I tend not to get myself into situations that require competition-he's got me there. It's funny though-I've always avoided them because of what my family and friends can attest is an obsessive, borderline violent desire to crush my opponents. What would Tierney have to say about my impressive collection of yellow cards(from my decade plus of soccer games) and the long list of people who refuse to play me at Scrabble? Let's go through the things he thinks I'm probably not willing to risk:

Going broke? Already there.
Never seeing my family and friends? I live 1500 miles from my family.
Dying young? Isn't that subclause D of the "writer contract?"

Granted, trying to break into the writing world isn't the same as being a stockbroker, but I'm willing to live in poverty for years, focus on arcane topics hidden outrages-to the detriment of personal relationships, and all for a payoff that's significantly smaller than the ones Johnny boy thinks women are loathe to fight for. Doesn't that make me just as reckless as the boys? I call for equal pay for equal stupidity!

Grover Norquist channels Anthony Michael Hall

Tom DeLay(right) advises Grover Norquist on how to beat John McCain in a fight

What does the head of Americans for Tax Reform have to say about allegations that he's corrupt? Clearly, he's just being picked on by Senate Bully John McCain.

"McCain hates me," he said.

Somebody call the principal! This feels just like an 80's teen movie. The geek gets popular and the popular kids hatch a nefarious plot to sully his reputation. Can plucky little Grover learn the dance moves in time to get the girl and be crowned prom king? The investigation just started so we'll have to wait and see...

STAR WARS!

Why be excited? I quote my roommate, Nick: Jedi beheadings.

Hopefully, they, and it, will be good.

New Scientist has reported what all iTunes users already knew-you are judged, often mercilessly, based upon the music in your library. In the microcosm of the world that is the workplace,

Participants confessed to forming judgements about co-workers based on the taste - or lack of taste - revealed by their music collection. Many also admitted to tailoring their own music library to project a particular persona, and some said they deliberately hid particularly embarrassing tracks from others.

At least this information is helpful. Now you don't ever have to wonder why you get those funny looks when you have your headphones on-you can rest easy knowing that all your office peers are sneering at you because they assume you're a vile, undiscerning Jesus-freak because you forgot that mix CD your psycho ex-girlfriend gave you had a Creed song on it.

Things get even wackier if you like to take your laptop to public places with wireless access. It's possible to find yourself peering into the music collections of complete strangers, strangers you most likely can't identify. And they can stare into your soul using the same network technology. You can judge, and be judged, without ever having to identify yourself or your victim-safe because even if you know someone else knows you love Styx, you're better than the asshole who's got all of Nickelback's albums.

The gauntlet has been laid, interns-what opinions have you formed by looking at the office iTunes? Come on, be honest...

Lessons from Life #205

Just because it feels like the holes haven't closed up doesn't mean your ears are still pierced.

George Galloway to Norm Coleman: Shove It

As if George Galloway weren't cool enough already...

Senator [Coleman], in everything I said about Iraq I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong and 100,000 have paid with their lives, 1,600 of them American soldiers sent to their deaths on a pack of lies.

one more for good measure-

I have met Saddam Hussein exactly the same number of times as Donald Rumsfeld met him. The difference is that Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns and to give him maps the better to target those guns.

I highly recommend reading more about how much more hardcore UK elected officials are than US ones here.

Galloway gets extra extra credit for calling out uber-douchebag Senator Norm Coleman for the slimeball nutcase that he is. Keep it up in Parliament George!

(P.S. To Eric-I just went to your blog and saw that you posted about this. I promise I wasn't stealing.)

For the boys...

I didn't realize I was such a girly girl until intern Lauren commmented on the number of men I have appreciated on this small publication. Since I'm currently unable to turn off the "Boy-crazy" switch in my brain(making it impossible to post often about more serious issues), I'd like to throw a bone to the guys out there in my own special way. If you don't already think Maggie Cheung is the most beautiful woman in the world, watch one of the movies she's done with Wong Kar Wai. I recommend In the Mood for Love.