Goodbye Smut and Eggs

Things that have changed in Madison since I moved away:

1. "Smut and Eggs," your opportunity to watch hardcore pornography over breakfast and hair of the dog, is gone.

2. The State Street Arcade, well loved porn store, sex shop, and gay pickup joint, has been forced out thanks to higher rents. The Art Box strikes again! It has been replaced by a soon-to-open restaurant. The owner of that establishment has too much moxie and not enough bleach to make me eat there.

3. Duane, my coffee guy from college now owns his own cafe/art space/performance location/conference space/hippie/biker/furry hangout, the Escape Java Joint.

4. The Paradise(my most fondly remembered old haunt) now has Led Zeppelin on the jukebox. And not even decent Led Zeppelin; it was Houses of the Holy. Also, some of the female patrons wore tube tops. Thankfully, the beer was still cheap and the fried food is still the best in Madison.

The real motives for the abortion ban

My sister figured it out. Dick Cheney is basically the head of the skeksis, but rather than stealing the essence of podlings in order to maintain his shriveled, damned existence, he must drink the blood of unwanted babies. Soon he will have enough to return him to the power of his youth!

Morning

Nick Cave and I are spending some quality time together this morning. I wish he weren't twice my age; I think he's my soulmate.

Sleepovers

On Friday night I went to a sleepover. There were sweatpants, there was nail polish, and we drank wine with straws. It was the first time in 15 years I've been in a room with that many women my own age. It was pretty magical, or maybe I am just a spectactularly bitter human for not letting go of all that grade-skipping angst sooner. Either way, thank you ladies.

Out of Place

Despite my best efforts, I am not a very neat person. I don't put things away all the time, I am comfortable going to be without hanging up my coat, and a host's home would need a lot of disorder to attract my scorn. This is not Ethan's family philosophy.

Last night, I used one of the hand towels in one of the bathrooms, and when I was done, I placed it back on the towel rack folded neatly in half. When I used the same towel this morning, I found it refolded, in thirds, hanging next to its identical twin.

I do not fit in here.

Dispatch

All the action is finished, and now all that is left is to watch basketball, sleep, and head back tomorrow. The best quote of the day goes to my Great-Aunt Quava(that's pronounced Kee-way-vuh, but no one knows why). She stumbled on my great grandfather's headstone while walking to her seat, looked down at the ground, and exclaimed,"Oh my goodness! I just tripped over Daddy!"

Second place goes to my cousin Richard, age 45, of no specific occupation or location, when he said, "Journalism? Rock & Roll? That's cool. Yeah, I know Jon Bon Jovi from back in the day."

Third place does not belong to any statement, but I have to recognize the joy in my sister's eyes when she tasted KFC for the first time.

The little things my sister and I have learned since coming down are really striking. I always thought I got my stubbornness and rebellious streak from my mother, but it turns out my grandmother used to risk her Baptist father's patriarchal wrath in order to go dancing and to baseball games with my grandfather. They also eloped and only told their parents when his mother found the marriage license. We can't really ask my grandmother to elaborate; she keeps asking me how the trip from New York was even though I haven't lived there for over a year. It's not worth trying to correct her.

We've found some of the most amazing photographs(hidden in a closet, natch)-a picture from our great grandmother's river baptism sometime around 1910; one of two young men sitting on a car dressed in impeccable suits(no one knows who they are), and my personal favorite, the series of photos of what looked like a vaudeville show featuring 20 or 30 men dressed in blackface. I don't know who took the pictures, who it is that is in them, or what else might have been going on, and I guess we never will.

ETA: Three free round trip tickets and a night at the Marriott later, I'm home. Thank. God.

The Tragedy of Death and Boy Meets World

It's been a rough day. A death, general sadness, and several other less than desirable little frustrations and tragedies have befallen me and my loved ones today. In order to distract myself, I decided to find side by side pictures to prove that the square first victim in Zodiac was in fact the nerdy kid from Boy Meets World that later got cut from the cast to make room for Tobanga's enormous breasts. And then I couldn't find any. Minkus has been erased from history, and I cannot get a break.

I will post a picture of Springer Spaniel puppies instead. The one on the left looks just like my puppy who got cancer last year about this time...oh forget it. Puppies are cute. I'm going to take a nap.

Breaking: College Sex Mags not good for Girls

The author of this article can't manage to write it without describing the attractiveness of the women involved or including quotes that reinforce the "girls in college are still totally stupid about sex and should just be good because when they do stuff that ends up in smut they totally feel bad about it and that just isn't cool" stance on female sexuality. It you write an article about sex magazines on college campuses, why spend so much time woman bashing(especially when it is women who are starting the things) when you have tons of material for Harvard bashing?

Why I hated Babel

Everyone expects PL to win Best Foreign Film on Sunday, and it may actually deserve it. Setting aside all the mass culture American reasons(highest grossing Spanish film ever, most well known nominee), it is an amazing film and a beautiful achievement. As the Oscars approached I've seen a lot of second guesses about the "future" quality of Pan's Labyrinth. There seems to be a lot of speculation about whether the blend of fantasy and political horror story will stand the test of time. Guillermo del Toro clearly doesn't want to be Hayao Miyazaki or Isao Takahata, so that criticism doesn't necessarily hold any water.

The more important thing to look at is that del Toro was the far superior Mexican director of the praised films this year. Babel, to put it succinctly, SUCKED. The 2.5 hours you might spend in the theater could be summed up by the following: "life sucks and it hurts, but if you have to choose a color to suck in, don't choose brown. White and yellow are way better. Hell, in the 21st century, red is probably better, but no one really knows because no one tells those stories except David Treuer." Seriously, don't waste your time with that convoluted shit. When it takes the gold on Sunday, it'll be another blow for real cinema fans.

Babel displayed none of the maturity that Pan's Labyrinth showed at every turn. There were no surprises, no moments where people behaved in anything other than the most mechanistic, deterministic way. A truly affecting movie about "fate" or "god" or "connection" involves surprises, moments where, beyond all reason and cynicism, goodness is actually rewarded, evil actually punished. It doesn't hurt when the good are uniformly punished on film; it only feels manipulative and schematic.

The reason the Japanese story resonates is because it is so tangential; the young girl hurts even without her father's complicity in minor international incidents. She would act out and self-destruct even if her father were an arms dealer who shot Cate Blanchett himself. Her hatred, anger, and despair was the only part of the film that made sense. When you compare this to Naomi Watts in 21 Grams and the "model and the dog" segment of Amorres Perros, it telescopes what Gonzales Inarritu does well and magnifies what he does very very poorly.

Stay Tuned for More...

A celebration

Happy Birthday David Bowie! I can't believe you're 60. You're really far too cool to be that old. I mean, of course Mick Jagger and Macca and Johnny Rotten are old farts, and even Iggy Pop and David Byrne and the Roxy Music Brians are starting to seem up there(Eno less than Ferry though, probably because of the fashion baldness), but you? I never dreamt it would come. Are you going to release a children's album of epic terribleness? Or will you merely continue to bless us with inspired cameos like your Nikola Tesla in The Prestige?

Actually, if you recorded an album of children's stories in character as Nikola Tesla I'd be okay with it. Please just keep being weird, that's all I ask.

Sincerely,
M

A defense of Roberto Benigni

This is not a typical "Johnny Stechanno" was an amazing movie post(I can't even spell the title) type of post. All I am trying to say is, back in the 80s, when Jarmusch made Down By Law, Mr. Roberto was brilliant. His creative input was nil, and all he was required to do was be crazy and silly while John Lurie and Tom Waits bad-assed it in the background in the bayou. I feel bad for the man, after getting destroyed in the Times for his Iraq movie, but in the end, I can't feel too bad for the man who made the foreign language Oscar winning dreck Life is Beautiful. He does suck, but let'sSave as Draft let him suck for what he deserves to suck for. He wasn't always awful.

i suck

no posts till NYC

Sorry, that's how it will be

The rhyming is bad

Lack of blog is sad

MPLS won't do it for me.

Hello New Friend

I am currently looking at the "Do not disconnect" circle on the beautiful screen of my black, beautiful, brand new 80 GB iPod. Christmas came a little early in my house. I just wish it would finish charging so I could start playing with it.

?

The Scissor Sisters are going to guest star on Passions? I hope they play "I can't decide."

While we're on the subject...

You can watcht the entire Rainbow Brite movie on YouTube as well.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9

Is it even possible to rent this anymore?

Koala-wala Land

In anticipation of next week's Ask the AV Club, I want to talk about the only series that ever dealt with interplanetary koalas, the Noozles. Shown on Nickelodeon in the late 80s and early 90s, The Noozles, Blinky and Pinky, helped their friend Sandy find her missing father. They could help because they came to life when she nuzzled their noses(they spent part of their time as koala teddy bears) and were residents of the very parallel dimension in which Sandy's father was trapped. This saga so enraptured my sister and I that we tried to make our mom change our swimming lessons to later in the afternoon.

It was on at 12:30, and was preceded by another totally inappropriate "children's" animated series, Grimm Masterpiece Theater. Watching three princesses run for their lives from evil alien bug monsters who dropped their disguises just before the princesses gave up their will to return to the real world and submit as slaves to the bugs was...interesting. Very Sailor Moon, but more fairy tale and less obviously messed up. I think that program is why I wasn't surprised or shocked by hentai. Even at 6 I wondered when the tentacle porn was going to start.

God bless You Tube. And Nickelodeon for not having enough American kids programming to show poor children during the day. Although David the Gnome was totally lame.

John Carpenter Extravaganza

Is it ever possible to explain why you suddenly crave something? Popcorn, chocolate, a hamburger, or in my case, one of the early 80s John Carpenter-Kurt Russell flicks. Last weekend it was Escape from New York, this weekend, The Thing. I should have reversed the two since tonight is the night I'm spending by myself, but I solved the problem by renting an even scarier movie-Shattered Glass. That's pretty much the ultimate horror show for a non-fiction writer.

Back to sci-fi for a minute. The specific sci-fi/horror genre of The Thing, Alien, and the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers always have a handy computer or tool that projects humanity's doom. It's always a lot of fun to watch the evolution of technology in scary movies, especially when they're not the main show.

Sad.

Me: Don't worry, there's plenty of orange juice left.

Ethan: I would hate to run out of orange juice while you're on your climb to the plateau of hopelessness.

Gloating

My brain has finally recovered from the haze of victory and way too much to drink. And we're still winners! My analysis? The Republicans have inferior potassium.

A Modest Proposal for Medicaid

It fits with their "life begins at conception" beliefs, so I don't know why I was surprised to see that the Republicans have managed to weasel their way out of guaranteeing babies - BABIES - born in the U.S. to illegal immigrant parents free care under Medicaid. After all, if they were simply pre-born when they were smuggled across the border with their parents, they're not really citizens and we shouldn't feel bad.

Babies - BABIES - those pink little lumps of flesh that gurgle and cry and can't do anything for themselves, babies born in the United States, citizens of this country, don't have the right to care that can save them a lifetime of illness, or worse, shorten their lifetimes dramatically, don't have the right to vaccines and preventive care that eradicated horrible diseases in the developed world.

But then again, if they die, we don't have to worry about our beloved America becoming Mexicanized. Or maybe their parents, wherever in the world they come from, will stop trying to immigrate when they realize they can get more complete, better care from their local witch doctor than from hospitals in the United States.

Really classy Leslie Norwalk, really classy. Deficit Reduction Act my eye.

Babies! Why be mean to them? What did they ever do to you?