Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Boys of Summer

So a battle is raging right now, and it is a heated one. In so many ways they are bitter opposites, and could be bitter enemies, but they share a common beginning. I'm speaking of course, of the battle between Shia LeBeouf and Zac Efron for the title of Dreamy Boy of the Summer Movies. Let's review their credentials:

Shia LeBouf:

Starred in the Disney Channel's Even Stevens
He was the original Norseman mascot in the Freaks and Geeks episode "We've Got Spirit"
Starred in totally awesome and genuinely creepy movie Disturbia
Stars in Transformers
Plays a greaser in the new Indiana Jones movie
Was on the cover of Vanity Fair wearing a stupid outfit
Currently sports unfortunate facial hair and slicked back 'do that may or may not camoflage a midstage jewfro
Is of legal drinking age

Zac Efron:

Starred in the Disney Channel original movie High School Musical but didn't sing
Stars in Hairspray as the chubby chasing dreamboat Elvis-like character
May soon sport a very unfortunate hat on the cover of a major magazine
His image adorns a wide variety of HSM merchandise, including magenta pillow cases.
Lost the role of Speed Racer to 2005's official Boy of Summer Emile Hirsch
Currently sports an unfortunately Clay Aiken-esque shag
Is a serious spray-tan/pancake makeup abuser
Is still a teenager

It's really a tough call.

UPDATE: I just saw Hairspray, and despite Travolta's close to ruinous performance, Efron wins in a landslide. EFRON EFRON EFRON!!!

PS: Michelle Pfeiffer looks SUPER OLD in this movie. Protect yourself. She is not a MILF. Not in the least.

PPS: He still looks 12. I'm not arguing. I just love him. There's nothing wrong with that. I just want him to wink at me. And swoon at my straight straight hair...

Shut up.

Thursday, July 26, 2007


My mom called me yesterday just to thank me for bringing The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert home from the video store one day 13 years ago. She needed something to amuse her while she cleaned out boxes and put things away, and for some reason, drag queens in the Outback was just what the doctor ordered. We had a lovely conversation about exactly what sort of household leads to a 12 year old feeling comfortable enough to bring home a movie like that, and we decided that no matter the answer, it was a good thing. Who DOESN'T love a good drag queen movie?

When my best friend came out to me after we watched Priscilla, I remember how silly I felt about all the time I had spent worrying about whether he thought I was pretty, and I remember noticing just how much dark wood paneling there really was in his basement bedroom, and how inconvenient a waterbed would be for gay sex, or any sex, for that matter.

How did anyone every have sex on a waterbed? I really want to know. It seems like the worst idea ever.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Happy Birthday Harry Potter

The whole world has already seen the dirty dirty Details pictures and there really isn't any other photo that adequately objectifies him, so I will just say welcome to the world of the legal, Daniel, and thank you for finally reaching an age where I don't have to feel like a child molester.

Oh wait, I found one.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Quote of the Century

Morissey on Madonna(spoken at a PETA benefit in Norfolk, VA):

I wouldn’t be surprised if she made that African boy she adopted into and a coat and wore him for 15 minutes, then threw it away.

I may just take a vow of silence for the rest of my life.

[My artistic integrity] said, "I know what it's like to be dead," because someone just murdered me

Just when I was starting to think it might actually be uncool to love the Beatles with every fiber of my still 6-years-old-staring-at-the-illustrations-on-the-cover-of-Revolver-while-She-Said-She-Said-blew-my-mind being, Nate Rabin comes back and reminds me how awful it really is when people try and mess with the perfection that was Lennon and McCartney.

I love the "My Year of Flops" feature, but this is hands down the best pop culture writing I've read all week, which is saying something, considering what I've been up to.

For those keeping score, the Robert Fripp comparison I saw the other day makes for TWO King Crimson references in the last year; this may be more than I've seen since that time I analyzed the lyrics to "Cat Food" in one of my high school English classes.

Oh, and it's been 20 years since Appetite for Destruction came out. 20. Pretty soon we'll be seeing "20 years since Nirvana" stuff. At that point, I think it's safe to say, it will be Carousel for me.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Comparison Shopping

It's amazing that there could be such different environments mere feet from each other. It's great to get back to using the telephone to do my job instead of relying on the tubes. There's less gossip, but I won't have to stay at the office until 3 AM working on stories that make me want to commit suicide.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Fun with Message Boards

I'm learning a lot about what happens to women who work hard and have successful careers(yup, miserable and alone), and I just discovered that the average age for a woman's first marriage is 25.3. I'm practically 25.3. In lieu of feeling like a horrible failure and a an awful dragon lady, I read this fanfic post on IMDB. It's awesome. Clearly by "awesome" I mean, "High School Musical 2 themed." But it's "more mature" than the Disney Musical, so you can think dirty things about the stars.

Updates from the Harry Potter 5 message boards TK.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Things I Learned in East Harlem:

1. 81% of new HIV cases in NYC are Black and Latino.

2. People give away dogs at a rate of about an animal every two blocks(as determined by my experience being offered dogs between 3:55 and 4:10 PM EST 7/15)

3. If you are white and wearing a bikini in a pool at 114th St. and 1st Ave., someone will probably toss you into the pool. This should not be frightening. Accept the "This is the JEFFERSON POOL! DONT' JUST STAND THERE!" as a welcome. It's much friendlier than "Welcome to the O.C. BITCH!" and usually they people responsible try to talk to you afterwards.

4. 114th St. is actually a project-splitting sidewalk between 3rd and 1st, which is good to know when you have to walk between Lexington and 1st Ave.

Generally speaking, I like East Harlem. I really like the Thomas Jefferson Pool, white-girl tossing ruffians and all.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Dear iTunes

Whatever you did, you don't work any more. All of my music is just sitting, desperately wishing to be played, while you insist there is some sort of error. You worked fine this morning, and this new version tells me you can't find the file.

I hate you. I hope you die. I would smash my computer into a thousand pieces over your uselessness if I was not desperately poor.

I hate you.

Monday, July 09, 2007

And My Dignity Draws the Line at...

Bikini stories. Nothing kills self-esteem faster than reading all about how much starlets "totally love" veggies and lean protein.

Friday, July 06, 2007

This makes me so mad

I know I shouldn't be judgmental about this young woman's life choices, but I'm having a hard time not jumping up and down in a snotty, superior rage about how badly her whole existence reflects upon woman-kind. I read her epic length piece about dumping her quadriplegic boyfriend, and I thought she did the right thing in that situation. I also thought she came off as a pathetic, weak-willed, co-dependent moron. That she turned out to be all of those things and still managed to get a sweet job is sad, but hardly surprising. I don't know why this would be surprising either. As I learned from Knocked Up, women with good jobs get pregnant and decide not to abort all the time.

It's probably a good thing you had to stop buying your designer shoes, too. How sad it would have been if your clumsy, fat, pregnant feet slipped and you fell down some stairs, Crossroads style. If it worked for Taryn Manning it would have worked for you!

There is one thing I know from growing up in the Midwest, surrounded by young parents and relationships built on accidental pregnancies, and that is this: It almost never works out well. Maybe my old boss was right, maybe it is possible to be naive and provincial thanks to a priveleged East Coast upbringing. If you don't ever have to see just how trashy your life can be when you don't know how to support yourself before you poke holes in the condom, you might believe it won't be that bad. This young woman is clearly going to give her kid at least a decade's worth of therapy bills, maybe more. I'm not saying all single moms are stupid. Far from it, I've known plenty of them. I'm saying that this girl's breezy, "I'm still totally fun and materialistic even as I incubate my little parasite" tone suggests she's not ready for motherhood, probably not even for a serious relationship(who gets pregnant after 3 months and thinks it'll all work out?)

Maybe this will lead to a sea-change; maybe the dumb Coasties will ruin their lives and be single moms while all the smart Midwestern girls who actually remember to take their Ortho come to the Big City and take their jobs. I know I'm in position and ready to pounce.

Good luck in Omaha sweetie, because there's no way your pathetic blogging salary is going to pay for a down-payment on anything East of Cleveland. Then again, someone will probably give you a book deal to talk about the new "trend" of women under 30 having babies alone and still being totally fabulous! Just give some of your friends whatever it was you were using with your boyfriend and you can hit the "two means trend" mark in no time!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Get Your Head in the Game...

By resting it on this beautiful High School Musical Pillowcase! I'm so excited to rest my head next to dreamy Zac Efron every night! This is the best birthday present ever!